Everything sucks forever

I dedicate this blog to one of my best friends, Scott, to whom the worst things happen. This is a continuously augmented archive of the quotes that define his life.
Jun 3 '12

Lottery

  • Scott: "What would you do if you won the lottery?"
  • Me: "Pay off the student debt of myself and many of my friends and family, hide enough away under my mattress to live off of and pay for graduate school, buy a high speed camera to make sick science videos, move to Europe, maybe. Use the rest to play with finances and periodically donate to charities I think do well."
  • Scott: "And then Buttfuck Extravaganza."
  • Scott: "I just really wanted to say that."

1 note

Jun 1 '12

He has a point

  • Boss: "Scott, didn't you say you were gonna move that box?"
  • Scott: "That's Future Scott's job."
  • Boss: "You said that 4 hours ago."
  • Scott: "And it's still true!"

Jun 1 '12

Suspense

  • Coworker: "What's in the box?"
  • Scott: "Dunno."
  • Coworker: "Can you guess?"
  • Scott: "Scorpions."
  • Coworker: "Scott..."
  • Scott: "Broken dreams."
  • Coworker: "Be serious!"
  • Scott: "The souls of orphans."
  • Coworker: "Open the damn box."

Jun 1 '12

Liberal Arts

  • Coworker: "Scott, what're you doing?"
  • Scott: "Studying the socioecological impact of nicotine on junebugs."
  • Coworker: "Did that combination of words mean anything?"
  • Scott: "Not really."

1 note

May 23 '12
“I FOUND THE SITE THAT LETS ME BECOME A LEGALLY ORDAINED MINISTER THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.”

May 23 '12
“Prof just went on Bing and searched ‘www.youtube.com.’ There is no way this woman makes more than me.”

May 23 '12

Cowlick

Office girl points out my cowlick: “Does your hair naturally do that?”

“Yeah.”

Office girl: “So you look stupid all the time?”

I point to her pregnant belly: “So are you naturally that fat, or was a broken condom involved?”

Long story short she’s not talking to me.

1 note

May 18 '12
“Pretty sure my cutie mark would be booze. Brain still hurts.”

1 note

May 15 '12

Growing up

  • Scott: "FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK"
  • Me: "What this time?"
  • Scott: "The Offspring and a bunch of other bands I want to see are playing in Chicago the same weekend I have to work a goddamn pony convention."

May 12 '12

Characterization

“Store rumors about me have gone from ‘Scott’s always hungover’ to ‘Scott’s always grumpy.’

I have not changed my persona at all, so… they’re all idiots.”